Friday, August 13, 2010

Why strive for Balance?

It is 6:03pm on a Friday and I'm sitting at my desk.  My hardworking husband is 12 hours into his day (major renovation, lots of computer stuff for him to do) and my prodigal 21 year old came in a few hours ago from his father's house where he has conveniently escaped to avoid making decisions about his future and he and his 18 year old brother are at the movies. The dogs have jumped onto the couch upstairs even though they most definitely know they aren't supposed to be there-confirmed continually by the fact that I hear them jump up there almost directly over my head only when I'm safely back down here in the office and they will immediately jump off (not quietly mind you, two golden retrievers are not quiet) when they hear me coming back up the steps. Even the normally pesky cat is asleep on the bookcase behind me.  And I am at my desk.

Many people will comment about my 'luck' at having a home office and then go on to say how easy it must be for me to get things done while I'm working from home. The inference is that I simply work at will. Others have said that it must be nice to have a shorter work day since I'm not trekking into the city every day. Neither of these is even remotely true. I work way too much...sometimes missing the RPM and Torque balance 
and often because of poor planning or ill-prepared starts. And I am never happier than when I am right here in this office working on something.

I haven't come up with a way to go for any length of time without thinking about work. I am constantly checking the blackberry. I find myself only half paying attention when my husband or boys are telling me a story lasting longer than 30 seconds. I feel guilty when I let my issues of Inc Magazine gather without being read.  I don't know how to find a balance in my life between the work I love and a company I co-own and everything and anything else.

I've tried all of the expert suggestions. I have 'no blackberry' times but that isn't effective. I'm still thinking about what could be happening: who could be calling with a question, what contracts have been received, what important blog post that could change my life was just tweeted into my account.  It isn't the doing I can't disconnect from it's the thinking about doing that I have trouble with. 

It isn't a lack of confidence in our team. It most definitely isn't a feeling that only I can make everything perfect by simply keeping my finger on the pulse. It isn't a lack of wonderful people in my life or a dissatisfaction with my family. I love love love my life. I adore my husband and like my sons most of the time. I simply love being in love with work. It's like an infatuation that won't end. I want the blackberry blinking that I have work email as my last vision at night and my first view of each day. I get giddy when I talk about our upcoming events and our clients. I feel smarter, younger, lighter in my office than anywhere else. It isn't a bad thing most of the time.  But it isn't some perfect balance either. 

The coping mechanism for me lately has been simply to refuse to address it. I'm so tired of feeling guilty for loving my work. I believe I wouldn't be having this wonderful affair if I didn't have other great things in my life. I don't need this feeling to fill a void or compensate for a lack of something else. I don't want balance right now. Is that so wrong?

1 comment:

Beth Zimmerman said...

You are blessed! I feel that way about blogging but not necessarily about my paying job! :)