I have three 'names' associated with my three lives.The first one is my maiden name and the name that I use in my business and on all of my legal forms. It was returned to me via the divorce document and I immediately set about to change my driver's license, utilities, and business cards. I have had my real name back for 9 years now during which time I bought a home and started a business. I like the name I was born with and intend to keep it...for most things.
The second name I have is my former married name. Even though the judge gave me my real name back (a situation I found a bit odd-that as a woman I had to be allowed to have my old name back) my children's friends still called me 'Mrs. Smith' because that's my name when I enrolled my children into that school and being polite parochial school children, they defaulted to that name anyway. It is awkward even now for my adult children to introduce me as anything other than 'This is my mom' so I still am called 'Mrs. Smith' a few times a month.
Lastly I have my new married name. I have been newly remarried for 2 1/2 years and did not change my real name to my husband's name when I remarried. He couldn't have cared less. Us having the same last name makes us no more or less married or committed to one another. I do however call myself by that new last name when I'm calling utility companies (he was here before I moved in) or home repair people who need constant referrals to 'my husband' so I don't feel like I'm as likely to be scammed.
I've pondered this name business for a while now. The tradition of changing a woman's name to match her husband's has been in America since it's inception. Some countries apparently have the husband take the wife's name or hyphenate the names for the children. When I was married the first time in my very early twenties, changing my name was exciting and made me feel very married and attached. After my divorce, taking my own name back really gave me a sense of identity and accomplishment. Now if I had it to do all over again (I know, famous words) I would have kept my name all along and demanded that my children have hyphenated last names, or at least my maiden name as their middle names. Names are so important. They are a label of your life. Even if it wasn't a terrible hassle to change licenses, passports, social security cards, credit cards, etc I wouldn't do it and now I probably wouldn't have been attracted to a man in the first place who had such a possessive view of the whole thing.
I like MY name and I'm keeping it. I've worked hard to establish a professional identity with it as well as a personal comfort level with who I am and my name represents that. Have most of you changed your name? Will you?
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Being a Good Session Attendee
I sent in a presentation in March in response to a call for presenters for a large industry conference taking place in October. When it's March, October is a really really long time away. Much to my surprise they accepted my proposal and I was deemed a 'presenter'. Now all of a sudden!, I only have 3 weeks to complete my presentation and I have no idea where to start. And, not only do I have to figure out what in the world to say to sound like I match that well written bio for an hour and 15 minutes, I also have to determine just how it is that I plan to even resemble the fresh face and thinner me in that darn pic! I have no idea what shoes to wear either. Don't mock, these are serious considerations when trying to look smart, competent, THINNER, and sober in front of your peers for over an hour.
I like to teach classes and seminars but speaking at industry functions is a struggle for me. Sometimes you get a tough crowd. Other self-proclaimed experts make me nervous as do those who seem to be too eagerly lapping up what I'm saying. It has made me a much better listener and attendee to other people's presentations though. So in the hopes that my efforts to be good to my fellow presenters will bring me good listeners in October, I am sharing three ways I think attendees can help a speaker during a presentation and I'm praying my audience is full of these types in October.
Smile at the Presenter and Look Interested
If I'm feeling a bit unsure of my audience when I'm presenting I always choose a friendly face in the crowd to talk to until I'm back in the groove. I now try to be that friendly face while attending seminars and conferences. I try not to spend too much time staring at the list I may be making or the doodles I'm drawing even if I have no interest in the speaker at all. Surveying your audience and finding everyone looking down, writing (when you know you haven't just said something brilliant), and talking to the person beside them is just demoralizing for a speaker. Try to appear attentive and not unhappy.
Ask Questions or Give Examples if Asked
Most presenters will ask questions at various points during a presentation. This helps them engage the audience and make sure that they're talking about what the attendees want to hear. As a speaker it is especially difficult to ask for anyone to share an example of what you're describing or to ask a question and to have absolutely no audience feedback. Try to step up and help your presenter out if no one else is interacting with them, it really makes a difference. Usually once the first audience member has participated, others will follow.
Attend The Right Sessions
Sounds simple but sometimes attendees see the title of a presentation but don't read the description or the objectives. Then they're bored or give the speaker a bad grade on the surveys. I believe in helping speakers by being honest about their presentations but don't blame them if you went to an entry level presentation and were bored. Which leads me to...
Fill Out the Survey Form
Each event I have participated in as a presenter has provided survey forms to the attendees following my presentation. They are always less than 10 questions and can be completed in a few minutes. Please fill them out and be constructive if you need to criticize. Honing the speaker craft is a tricky undertaking and having useful feedback is extremely valuable.
If You're Bored to Death
If you're in a session and you think that it's the worst thing you've ever heard at least try to get one good nugget from it. As my grandmother said, "Even a broken clock is right twice a day". You can learn something from everyone. If a speaker seems to be drifting from the topic, politely ask a question to get them back on. Make it a point to try to learn if you're there already right?
I like to teach classes and seminars but speaking at industry functions is a struggle for me. Sometimes you get a tough crowd. Other self-proclaimed experts make me nervous as do those who seem to be too eagerly lapping up what I'm saying. It has made me a much better listener and attendee to other people's presentations though. So in the hopes that my efforts to be good to my fellow presenters will bring me good listeners in October, I am sharing three ways I think attendees can help a speaker during a presentation and I'm praying my audience is full of these types in October.
Smile at the Presenter and Look Interested
If I'm feeling a bit unsure of my audience when I'm presenting I always choose a friendly face in the crowd to talk to until I'm back in the groove. I now try to be that friendly face while attending seminars and conferences. I try not to spend too much time staring at the list I may be making or the doodles I'm drawing even if I have no interest in the speaker at all. Surveying your audience and finding everyone looking down, writing (when you know you haven't just said something brilliant), and talking to the person beside them is just demoralizing for a speaker. Try to appear attentive and not unhappy.
Ask Questions or Give Examples if Asked
Most presenters will ask questions at various points during a presentation. This helps them engage the audience and make sure that they're talking about what the attendees want to hear. As a speaker it is especially difficult to ask for anyone to share an example of what you're describing or to ask a question and to have absolutely no audience feedback. Try to step up and help your presenter out if no one else is interacting with them, it really makes a difference. Usually once the first audience member has participated, others will follow.
Attend The Right Sessions
Sounds simple but sometimes attendees see the title of a presentation but don't read the description or the objectives. Then they're bored or give the speaker a bad grade on the surveys. I believe in helping speakers by being honest about their presentations but don't blame them if you went to an entry level presentation and were bored. Which leads me to...
Fill Out the Survey Form
Each event I have participated in as a presenter has provided survey forms to the attendees following my presentation. They are always less than 10 questions and can be completed in a few minutes. Please fill them out and be constructive if you need to criticize. Honing the speaker craft is a tricky undertaking and having useful feedback is extremely valuable.
If You're Bored to Death
If you're in a session and you think that it's the worst thing you've ever heard at least try to get one good nugget from it. As my grandmother said, "Even a broken clock is right twice a day". You can learn something from everyone. If a speaker seems to be drifting from the topic, politely ask a question to get them back on. Make it a point to try to learn if you're there already right?
Friday, August 13, 2010
Why strive for Balance?
It is 6:03pm on a Friday and I'm sitting at my desk. My hardworking husband is 12 hours into his day (major renovation, lots of computer stuff for him to do) and my prodigal 21 year old came in a few hours ago from his father's house where he has conveniently escaped to avoid making decisions about his future and he and his 18 year old brother are at the movies. The dogs have jumped onto the couch upstairs even though they most definitely know they aren't supposed to be there-confirmed continually by the fact that I hear them jump up there almost directly over my head only when I'm safely back down here in the office and they will immediately jump off (not quietly mind you, two golden retrievers are not quiet) when they hear me coming back up the steps. Even the normally pesky cat is asleep on the bookcase behind me. And I am at my desk.
Many people will comment about my 'luck' at having a home office and then go on to say how easy it must be for me to get things done while I'm working from home. The inference is that I simply work at will. Others have said that it must be nice to have a shorter work day since I'm not trekking into the city every day. Neither of these is even remotely true. I work way too much...sometimes missing the RPM and Torque balance
and often because of poor planning or ill-prepared starts. And I am never happier than when I am right here in this office working on something.
I haven't come up with a way to go for any length of time without thinking about work. I am constantly checking the blackberry. I find myself only half paying attention when my husband or boys are telling me a story lasting longer than 30 seconds. I feel guilty when I let my issues of Inc Magazine gather without being read. I don't know how to find a balance in my life between the work I love and a company I co-own and everything and anything else.
I've tried all of the expert suggestions. I have 'no blackberry' times but that isn't effective. I'm still thinking about what could be happening: who could be calling with a question, what contracts have been received, what important blog post that could change my life was just tweeted into my account. It isn't the doing I can't disconnect from it's the thinking about doing that I have trouble with.
It isn't a lack of confidence in our team. It most definitely isn't a feeling that only I can make everything perfect by simply keeping my finger on the pulse. It isn't a lack of wonderful people in my life or a dissatisfaction with my family. I love love love my life. I adore my husband and like my sons most of the time. I simply love being in love with work. It's like an infatuation that won't end. I want the blackberry blinking that I have work email as my last vision at night and my first view of each day. I get giddy when I talk about our upcoming events and our clients. I feel smarter, younger, lighter in my office than anywhere else. It isn't a bad thing most of the time. But it isn't some perfect balance either.
The coping mechanism for me lately has been simply to refuse to address it. I'm so tired of feeling guilty for loving my work. I believe I wouldn't be having this wonderful affair if I didn't have other great things in my life. I don't need this feeling to fill a void or compensate for a lack of something else. I don't want balance right now. Is that so wrong?
Many people will comment about my 'luck' at having a home office and then go on to say how easy it must be for me to get things done while I'm working from home. The inference is that I simply work at will. Others have said that it must be nice to have a shorter work day since I'm not trekking into the city every day. Neither of these is even remotely true. I work way too much...sometimes missing the RPM and Torque balance
and often because of poor planning or ill-prepared starts. And I am never happier than when I am right here in this office working on something.
I haven't come up with a way to go for any length of time without thinking about work. I am constantly checking the blackberry. I find myself only half paying attention when my husband or boys are telling me a story lasting longer than 30 seconds. I feel guilty when I let my issues of Inc Magazine gather without being read. I don't know how to find a balance in my life between the work I love and a company I co-own and everything and anything else.
I've tried all of the expert suggestions. I have 'no blackberry' times but that isn't effective. I'm still thinking about what could be happening: who could be calling with a question, what contracts have been received, what important blog post that could change my life was just tweeted into my account. It isn't the doing I can't disconnect from it's the thinking about doing that I have trouble with.
It isn't a lack of confidence in our team. It most definitely isn't a feeling that only I can make everything perfect by simply keeping my finger on the pulse. It isn't a lack of wonderful people in my life or a dissatisfaction with my family. I love love love my life. I adore my husband and like my sons most of the time. I simply love being in love with work. It's like an infatuation that won't end. I want the blackberry blinking that I have work email as my last vision at night and my first view of each day. I get giddy when I talk about our upcoming events and our clients. I feel smarter, younger, lighter in my office than anywhere else. It isn't a bad thing most of the time. But it isn't some perfect balance either.
The coping mechanism for me lately has been simply to refuse to address it. I'm so tired of feeling guilty for loving my work. I believe I wouldn't be having this wonderful affair if I didn't have other great things in my life. I don't need this feeling to fill a void or compensate for a lack of something else. I don't want balance right now. Is that so wrong?
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